2002

一

Nadav 交了女朋友。

她叫 Yael，法律系二年級，笑起來很大聲，走路很快，說話的時候喜歡用手比劃。和 Nadav 在學生餐廳認識的——她打翻了咖啡，濺到他的筆記本上，然後花了二十分鐘道歉，順便要到了他的電話號碼。

「She sounds exhausting,」Eitan 說，頭也沒抬。

「She's energetic.」

「Same thing.」

「You haven't even met her.」

「I've heard her. Three tables away. Last Tuesday. Laughing.」

Nadav 想了想。上週二他確實和 Yael 在餐廳吃午飯。

「You were there?」

「I was trying to read.」

「And her laughing bothered you.」

「Forty-seven times in one hour. I counted.」

Nadav 盯著他。

「You actually counted?」

「No. I estimated. It felt like forty-seven.」

二

問題是 Yael 想認識 Nadav 的朋友。

「You talk about him all the time,」她說，挽著 Nadav 的手臂走在校園裡。「This mysterious Eitan who lives in the library basement. I want to meet him.」

「He's not mysterious. He's just... not social.」

「Everyone is social. Some people just need the right environment.」

Nadav 想說「you don't understand」，但 Yael 已經在拉著他往圖書館走了。

「Now?」

「Why not? You said he's always there on Wednesday afternoons.」

「Yael—」

「Come on. I promise I'll be nice.」

三

他們在老位置找到 Eitan。

他面前攤著三本書，一份手寫筆記，還有那杯永遠喝不完的涼水。他沒有抬頭，但 Nadav 知道他已經注意到他們了——他的肩膀微微繃緊了。

「Eitan, this is Yael. Yael, Eitan.」

Yael 伸出手，笑得很燦爛：「Hi! Nadav talks about you all the time. I feel like I already know you.」

Eitan 抬頭，看了她的手一眼，然後看她的臉。

停頓了大概三秒。

然後他握了一下，很快鬆開。

「Hello.」

就這樣。沒有「nice to meet you」，沒有「Nadav talks about you too」，沒有任何正常人會說的客套話。就是一個「hello」，然後他的眼睛就回到書上了。

Yael 的笑容僵了一瞬，但她恢復得很快。

「So, what are you reading?」

Eitan 把書的封面轉向她。

Economy and Society.

「Oh, Weber. We had to read parts of him last semester.」她停頓了一下。「The bureaucracy chapter. Incredibly boring.」

「That chapter is the most important thing written in the twentieth century.」

「I—okay.」Yael 眨了眨眼。「For a law paper or—」

「No.」

「Just... reading for fun?」

Eitan 看著她，好像不理解這個問題。

「I don't read for fun. I read to understand.」

四

Nadav 看著這場災難慢動作展開。

Yael 是個好人。熱情、友善、genuinely 想和 Eitan 建立連結。但她不知道她面對的是什麼。

「So how did you two meet?」她問，拉了一張椅子坐下。「Nadav said something about a seat dispute?」

「He was sitting in my spot.」

「And you just... told him to move?」

「No. I told him it was my spot. He refused to move. So I sat down anyway.」

「And then you became friends?」

Eitan 的眉毛動了一下。

「I don't have friends.」

Yael 看向 Nadav，困惑。

「He means he doesn't use that word,」Nadav 趕緊解釋。「It's a—thing.」

「A thing?」

「A semantic thing. He's weird about labels.」

「I'm not weird about labels. I'm precise about labels. 'Friend' implies a set of social obligations and emotional expectations that I don't—」

「Eitan.」Nadav 打斷他。「She doesn't need the lecture.」

Eitan 閉上嘴。但他的表情沒有任何歉意。只是那種「I was stating facts, why are you interrupting」的困惑。

五

十分鐘後，Yael 找了個藉口離開。

「I have class in fifteen minutes. It was... nice meeting you, Eitan.」

「You don't have class. Law faculty doesn't have Wednesday afternoon sessions this semester.」

Yael 的臉紅了。

「I—how do you—」

「The course schedule is public information.」

Nadav 把臉埋進手掌裡。

「Eitan, please.」

「What? She lied. I was correcting her.」

Yael 看著 Nadav，眼神裡有一種「is your friend okay」的困惑。然後她笑了笑，那種禮貌的、用來結束尷尬場合的笑。

「Okay. Well. I'll see you later, Nadav.」

她走了。

Nadav 靠回椅子，看著天花板。

「She doesn't like me,」Eitan 說。不是問句。

「No shit.」

「Why did you bring her?」

「Because she wanted to meet you. Because that's what girlfriends do. They want to meet the people who are important to their boyfriends.」

Eitan 皺眉。

「I'm important?」

「Yes, you idiot. That's the problem.」

六

那天晚上，Yael 打電話給 Nadav。

「So... your friend.」

「I know.」

「He's...」她在找一個禮貌的詞。

「I know.」

「Is he always like that?」

「Yes.」

長長的停頓。

「Does he have, like, a condition? I'm not judging, I'm just trying to understand—」

「He doesn't have a condition. He's just—」Nadav 想了想怎麼解釋。「He's been like this since he was a kid. He's not trying to be rude. He just doesn't understand why he should say things he considers meaningless.」

「But normal conversation is about connection, not just information exchange—」

「I know. He doesn't. Or maybe he does, but he doesn't care.」

又是沉默。

「I don't think I can hang out with him, Nadav. I'm sorry. I know he's important to you. But he makes me feel like I'm being... examined. Like everything I say is being judged.」

「I understand.」

「You're not mad?」

Nadav 笑了，那種有點累的笑。

「Yael, you're the third girlfriend who's said this to me. I'm used to it.」

七

第三個。

第一個是 Michal，高中的女朋友。她見過 Eitan 一次，事後說：「He looked at me like I was a bug.」

第二個是 Ronit，軍隊裡認識的。她說：「I don't understand why you waste time on someone who doesn't even like people.」

現在是 Yael。

Nadav 想過要不要把這兩個世界分開。Eitan 是 Eitan，女朋友是女朋友，不要混在一起。

但每次他都忍不住想：也許這次不一樣。也許這個人會看到 Eitan 的好——他的聰明，他的誠實，他那種不討好任何人的純粹。

每次都失敗。

八

一週後，Eitan 問了一個意外的問題。

「How is Yael?」

Nadav 愣了。

「You care?」

「No. But you seem—」他做了一個模糊的手勢。「Different. Since that day.」

「We broke up.」

Eitan 的表情沒有變化。

「Because of me?」

「Not entirely. But partly.」

沉默。

「I'm sorry.」

這讓 Nadav 更驚訝了。Eitan 很少道歉。不是因為傲慢，而是因為他通常不覺得自己做錯了什麼。

「Do you know what you did wrong?」

「No.」Eitan 承認。「But I know it caused you pain. That's sufficient reason to be sorry.」

Nadav 看著他。這個怪人。這個不會笑、不會社交、把每個進入他領域的人都嚇跑的怪人。

「Have you ever tried?」他問。「I mean, really tried to be like normal people?」

Eitan 沒有立刻回答。

九

「Once,」他終於說。「In high school. One year I decided to fit in.」

「What happened?」

「I did research. Observed how other students interacted. Recorded what words they used, what tone, when they laughed. Then I imitated.」

「And?」

「It worked at first. People started talking to me. Someone invited me to a party. A girl seemed interested.」

Nadav 試著想像十五歲的 Eitan 在派對上。這個畫面太荒謬了。

「Then what?」

「Then I got tired.」Eitan 的聲音變得很平。「Maintaining the performance was exhausting. I had to constantly calculate: what would a normal person say here? How would a normal person react? It was like speaking a foreign language all day, every day.」

「So you stopped.」

「I stopped. And everyone who had started talking to me—stopped. Within two weeks, I was invisible again.」

他說這些的時候沒有自憐。只是陳述事實，像在描述一個發生在別人身上的事。

「But the interesting part,」他繼續，「was that no one asked why. They just accepted it. Oh, Eitan is being weird again. That's it. No one thought maybe I was tired, maybe I needed a break, maybe the 'normal' version was the fake one.」

十

Nadav 不知道該說什麼。

「So you decided to stop trying.」

「I decided it wasn't worth it.」Eitan 看著他。「Every relationship required me to pretend to be someone else. That's not a relationship. That's a performance. I don't want to perform.」

「But you talk to me.」

「You don't need me to perform.」

「How do you know?」

「Because you keep coming back.」Eitan 的語氣沒有變，但某種東西在他眼睛裡移動了。「I scared away your girlfriend, and you're still here. The one before that, I scared her away too, and you were still here.」

「Maybe I'm just stupid.」

「Maybe.」Eitan 同意。「But I choose to believe another explanation.」

「What explanation?」

「You see something worth coming back for. I don't know what it is. But you see it.」

Nadav 想了想。

「Maybe it's this.」他說。「This—honesty. Everything you say is true. You won't lie to make me feel better. You won't pretend to like my girlfriend. You won't—」

他停下來，笑了。

「You won't laugh at my jokes unless you actually find them funny. When was the last time you laughed?」

「Three weeks ago. You said your psychology professor looks like a confused camel.」

「You remember that?」

「It was an accurate description. Professor Golan does have that expression.」

十一

後來，Nadav 和 Yael 徹底分手了。

不是因為 Eitan。是因為其他原因——她想去 Tel Aviv 的律師事務所實習，他還有一年才畢業，長距離戀愛沒有人想要。

分手那天，Nadav 去了圖書館地下室。

Eitan 在老位置。書、筆記、涼水。一切都一樣。

「Yael?」

「We broke up. For real this time.」

Eitan 點點頭。沒有說「I'm sorry」，因為他上次已經說過了。沒有說「Are you okay」，因為他知道 Nadav 不想回答那個問題。

他只是把旁邊的椅子往外推了一點。

Nadav 坐下。

他們就這樣坐著，兩個小時，什麼都沒說。

Eitan 在看書。Nadav 在看天花板。偶爾 Eitan 會把一頁特別有趣的段落轉過來讓 Nadav 看。Nadav 會點頭，雖然他根本沒在讀。

很奇怪。

很舒服。

「Thanks,」Nadav 終於說。

「For what?」

「For not trying to make me feel better.」

Eitan 想了想。

「Would you like me to try?」

「God, no.」

「Good. Because I don't know how.」

Nadav 笑了。這次是真的笑。

「I know. That's the point.」

（完）