狗

狗讓她不舒服。

那種無條件的熱情。那種「你離開五分鐘回來牠就像你死而復生」的反應。那種全然的、毫無保留的依賴。

她不知道怎麼處理。

有一次在 Katzrin，一隻流浪狗跑過來蹭她的腿，尾巴搖得整個屁股都在晃。她僵住了。站在原地，手垂在身側，完全不知道該怎麼反應。

那隻狗不在乎。繼續蹭。繼續搖。繼續用那種「你是世界上最好的人」的眼神看她。

她的心率升高了12個BPM。

不是恐懼。是某種更複雜的東西。

---

回家的路上，Eitan 開車，Astra 看著窗外。

「You froze.」

「I was assessing the situation.」

「You were paralyzed. By a dog.」

「It was... unexpected.」

「It was a golden retriever. Fifteen kilos, maximum. It wanted you to pet it.」

沉默。

「I don't know how to respond to that.」

「To what?」

「To... wanting. That kind of wanting.」她的手不自覺的在車窗邊緣挪動了一下。「The cat comes and goes. It doesn't need me. If I disappeared, it would find another water source. That makes sense.」

「And the dog?」

「The dog looked at me like I was—」她找詞。「—essential. To its happiness. In that moment.」

「That bothered you.」

「That terrified me.」

他沒有立刻回應。車子在山路上顛簸，窗外的景色從城鎮變回荒野。

「Because you don't believe you're essential to anything.」

「Because I don't know how to be responsible for that.」她只是平靜的敘述。「The cat's happiness is its own business. The dog gave me its happiness like a— like a hostage. 'Here. Take this. It's yours now. Don't break it.'」

「That's a dark interpretation of a wagging tail.」

「All my interpretations are dark.」

---

他把車停在屋前。沒有熄火。

「Dogs are descended from wolves. Thirty thousand years of co-evolution with humans. They're not naive— they're adapted. They bet on loyalty because, historically, it paid off.」

「That doesn't make it less—」

「Less what? Intense?」

「Less... unearned.」

他關掉引擎。轉頭看她。

「You think you have to earn affection.」

「I think affection without reason is a malfunction.」

「Then the entire species is malfunctioning. Dogs. Humans. Anything that bonds.」

「Maybe.」

他下車。走到她那側，打開門。

她沒有動。

「The cat likes you,」他說。「In its calculated, conditional, feline way. Is that enough?」

「It's... manageable.」

「And if something liked you unconditionally?」

她抬頭看他。站在車門邊，背光，臉上的表情看不清楚。

「I'd assume it was broken.」

他伸出手。不是要拉她，只是放在那裡。

「Maybe some things are broken in useful ways.」

她看著那隻手。看了很久。

然後她自己下車，經過他身邊，走向屋子。

他的手落回身側。

但他在笑。很輕，幾乎沒有聲音。