Hebrew University

Hebrew University, 2001-2004

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一、座位 The Seat

第三週，Eitan 到的時候發現 Nadav 不在。

桌上留了一張紙條：

Exam. Back at 4. Don't touch my coffee.

旁邊是一杯冷掉的 Turkish coffee。

Eitan 坐下來，讀了兩個小時的書。四點十五分，Nadav 回來了，滿臉疲憊。

「How was it?」

「Terrible. I wrote about Milgram for forty minutes and then realized the question was about Zimbardo.」

「They're related.」

「Not related enough.」Nadav 拿起那杯冷咖啡，喝了一口，做了個鬼臉。「You didn't get me a new one?」

「You said don't touch your coffee.」

「I meant don't drink it. Not don't replace it.」

「You should be more specific.」

Nadav 盯著他看了三秒。

「I'm starting to think you're not as nice as you look.」

「I don't look nice.」

「No. You look like a depressed rabbit. But a polite one.」

二、食物 Food

Nadav 發現 Eitan 不吃東西。

不是不吃——是忘記吃。他可以在圖書館坐八個小時，中間只喝水。有一次 Nadav 問他午餐吃了什麼，他想了很久，說：「Tuesday?」

那天是週四。

從那之後，Nadav 開始帶兩份三明治。

他不會說「這是給你的」。他只是把三明治放在桌上，放在 Eitan 的書旁邊，然後開始吃自己的。

有時候 Eitan 會吃。有時候不會。

有一次 Eitan 終於問：「Why do you keep buying two?」

「I'm hungry.」

「You never eat the second one.」

「I eat it when you don't.」

「That's not efficient.」

「No. But neither is letting you starve to death in a library.」

三、女孩 The Girl

有一次，一個女生來找 Nadav。

金色頭髮，曬成蜜色的皮膚，穿著很短的牛仔褲。她站在他們的桌子旁邊，笑得很燦爛。

「Nadav! I've been looking for you everywhere. There's a party tonight at Danny's—」

「Can't. Studying.」

「You're always studying.」她往 Eitan 的方向看了一眼。「Who's this?」

「Eitan. History.」

「Hi, Eitan.」她的笑容變得更甜了。「You should come too. It'll be fun.」

Eitan 沒有抬頭：「No thank you.」

她等了一秒，意識到這就是全部的回應，笑容有點僵。

「Okay... well, if you change your mind—」

「We won't.」Nadav 說。「Bye, Shira.」

她走了之後，Nadav 靠回椅子。

「You could have been nicer.」

「Why?」

「Because that's what people do.」

「She wasn't interested in me. She wanted you to go, and thought if she invited me you'd feel obligated.」

Nadav 愣了一下。

「How do you know that?」

「Body language. Eye contact pattern. The way she positioned herself between us.」Eitan 翻了一頁書。「Also, she didn't ask my name until you introduced me. If she was genuinely interested, she would have asked first.」

「Jesus. You're like a human lie detector.」

「I just pay attention.」

「To everything except eating.」

四、失眠 Insomnia

凌晨兩點，圖書館關門了。

他們坐在校園的長椅上。Jerusalem 的夜晚很冷，但 Eitan 說他不想回宿舍。

「Why not?」

「Can't sleep anyway.」

「Since when?」

他沒有回答。

Nadav 也沒有追問。他從口袋裡掏出一包菸，點了一根。

「My grandmother couldn't sleep either.」他說。「After the camps. She used to walk around the house all night. My grandfather would get up and walk with her. They never talked. Just walked.」

沉默。

「Did it help?」Eitan 問。

「I don't know. But she said it was better than walking alone.」

Eitan 看著遠處的燈光。Jerusalem 的老城在夜裡發著微弱的金色光芒。

「I don't like people walking with me.」

「I noticed.」

「But I don't mind you sitting here.」

Nadav 吐出一口煙。

「That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me.」

「Don't get used to it.」

五、畢業 Graduation

2004 年夏天。Nadav 要畢業了。

他告訴 Eitan 他要去 Shin Bet 的那天，他們坐在老地方，那個地下室角落的桌子。桌面上的 נ.י. 刻痕已經被磨得更深了，旁邊多了一個小小的 א——Eitan 在某個無聊的下午刻的。

「You could do anything.」 Eitan 說。「Research. Academia. Private sector. Why intelligence?」

「Because I'm good at reading people. And because—」Nadav 停頓。「I saw things in Lebanon. Things I can't unsee. I want to make sure fewer people have to see them.」

「By becoming part of the system that creates them?」

「By being inside the system when decisions are made.」

Eitan 沒有回應。

「You think I'm selling out.」

「I think you're making a choice. I don't have to agree with it.」

「But you'll still be my friend?」

Eitan 看著他。這是第一次 Nadav 用「friend」這個詞。

「I don't have friends.」

「You have me.」

「That's not the same thing.」

「Why not?」

Eitan 想了很久。

「Because friends are people you choose. You just... happened.」

Nadav 笑了。

「I'll take that as a yes.」

---

六、桌子 The Table (Epilogue)

2026 年。

Nadav 回 Hebrew University 開會。安全簡報，研究審查，那種無聊的例行公事。

結束後他去上廁所，發現廁所在整修。工作人員指了指地下室：「There's one downstairs.」

他走下樓梯，聞到那股熟悉的味道——冷氣、舊書、地下室特有的霉味。二十多年了，這個味道沒變。

廁所在走廊盡頭。他經過那排書架，餘光掃到角落。

那張桌子還在。

他沒有停下來。只是走過去，上廁所，洗手，走回樓上。

但在樓梯口，他掏出手機，拍了一張照片，打開加密頻道，把照片丟進去

沒有文字。只有照片。

三分鐘後，回覆：

-They still haven't fixed that chair.

Nadav 看了一眼照片。確實，桌子旁邊那張椅子的靠背還是歪的。當年就是歪的。

-Some things never change.

-Is that a complaint or an observation?

-Yes.

（完）

一

Nadav 交了女朋友。

她叫 Yael，法律系二年級，笑起來很大聲，走路很快，說話的時候喜歡用手比劃。和 Nadav 在學生餐廳認識的——她打翻了咖啡，濺到他的筆記本上，然後花了二十分鐘道歉，順便要到了他的電話號碼。

「She sounds exhausting,」Eitan 說，頭也沒抬。

「She's energetic.」

「Same thing.」

「You haven't even met her.」

「I've heard her. Three tables away. Last Tuesday. Laughing.」

Nadav 想了想。上週二他確實和 Yael 在餐廳吃午飯。

「You were there?」

「I was trying to read.」

「And her laughing bothered you.」

「Forty-seven times in one hour. I counted.」

Nadav 盯著他。

「You actually counted?」

「No. I estimated. It felt like forty-seven.」

二

問題是 Yael 想認識 Nadav 的朋友。

「You talk about him all the time,」她說，挽著 Nadav 的手臂走在校園裡。「This mysterious Eitan who lives in the library basement. I want to meet him.」

「He's not mysterious. He's just... not social.」

「Everyone is social. Some people just need the right environment.」

Nadav 想說「you don't understand」，但 Yael 已經在拉著他往圖書館走了。

「Now?」

「Why not? You said he's always there on Wednesday afternoons.」

「Yael—」

「Come on. I promise I'll be nice.」

三

他們在老位置找到 Eitan。

他面前攤著三本書，一份手寫筆記，還有那杯永遠喝不完的涼水。他沒有抬頭，但 Nadav 知道他已經注意到他們了——他的肩膀微微繃緊了。

「Eitan, this is Yael. Yael, Eitan.」

Yael 伸出手，笑得很燦爛：「Hi! Nadav talks about you all the time. I feel like I already know you.」

Eitan 抬頭，看了她的手一眼，然後看她的臉。

停頓了大概三秒。

然後他握了一下，很快鬆開。

「Hello.」

就這樣。沒有「nice to meet you」，沒有「Nadav talks about you too」，沒有任何正常人會說的客套話。就是一個「hello」，然後他的眼睛就回到書上了。

Yael 的笑容僵了一瞬，但她恢復得很快。

「So, what are you reading?」

Eitan 把書的封面轉向她。

Economy and Society.

「Oh, Weber. We had to read parts of him last semester.」她停頓了一下。「The bureaucracy chapter. Incredibly boring.」

「That chapter is the most important thing written in the twentieth century.」

「I—okay.」Yael 眨了眨眼。「For a law paper or—」

「No.」

「Just... reading for fun?」

Eitan 看著她，好像不理解這個問題。

「I don't read for fun. I read to understand.」

四

Nadav 看著這場災難慢動作展開。

Yael 是個好人。熱情、友善、genuinely 想和 Eitan 建立連結。但她不知道她面對的是什麼。

「So how did you two meet?」她問，拉了一張椅子坐下。「Nadav said something about a seat dispute?」

「He was sitting in my spot.」

「And you just... told him to move?」

「No. I told him it was my spot. He refused to move. So I sat down anyway.」

「And then you became friends?」

Eitan 的眉毛動了一下。

「I don't have friends.」

Yael 看向 Nadav，困惑。

「He means he doesn't use that word,」Nadav 趕緊解釋。「It's a—thing.」

「A thing?」

「A semantic thing. He's weird about labels.」

「I'm not weird about labels. I'm precise about labels. 'Friend' implies a set of social obligations and emotional expectations that I don't—」

「Eitan.」Nadav 打斷他。「She doesn't need the lecture.」

Eitan 閉上嘴。但他的表情沒有任何歉意。只是那種「I was stating facts, why are you interrupting」的困惑。

五

十分鐘後，Yael 找了個藉口離開。

「I have class in fifteen minutes. It was... nice meeting you, Eitan.」

「You don't have class. Law faculty doesn't have Wednesday afternoon sessions this semester.」

Yael 的臉紅了。

「I—how do you—」

「The course schedule is public information.」

Nadav 把臉埋進手掌裡。

「Eitan, please.」

「What? She lied. I was correcting her.」

Yael 看著 Nadav，眼神裡有一種「is your friend okay」的困惑。然後她笑了笑，那種禮貌的、用來結束尷尬場合的笑。

「Okay. Well. I'll see you later, Nadav.」

她走了。

Nadav 靠回椅子，看著天花板。

「She doesn't like me,」Eitan 說。不是問句。

「No shit.」

「Why did you bring her?」

「Because she wanted to meet you. Because that's what girlfriends do. They want to meet the people who are important to their boyfriends.」

Eitan 皺眉。

「I'm important?」

「Yes, you idiot. That's the problem.」

六

那天晚上，Yael 打電話給 Nadav。

「So... your friend.」

「I know.」

「He's...」她在找一個禮貌的詞。

「I know.」

「Is he always like that?」

「Yes.」

長長的停頓。

「Does he have, like, a condition? I'm not judging, I'm just trying to understand—」

「He doesn't have a condition. He's just—」Nadav 想了想怎麼解釋。「He's been like this since he was a kid. He's not trying to be rude. He just doesn't understand why he should say things he considers meaningless.」

「But normal conversation is about connection, not just information exchange—」

「I know. He doesn't. Or maybe he does, but he doesn't care.」

又是沉默。

「I don't think I can hang out with him, Nadav. I'm sorry. I know he's important to you. But he makes me feel like I'm being... examined. Like everything I say is being judged.」

「I understand.」

「You're not mad?」

Nadav 笑了，那種有點累的笑。

「Yael, you're the third girlfriend who's said this to me. I'm used to it.」

七

第三個。

第一個是 Michal，高中的女朋友。她見過 Eitan 一次，事後說：「He looked at me like I was a bug.」

第二個是 Ronit，軍隊裡認識的。她說：「I don't understand why you waste time on someone who doesn't even like people.」

現在是 Yael。

Nadav 想過要不要把這兩個世界分開。Eitan 是 Eitan，女朋友是女朋友，不要混在一起。

但每次他都忍不住想：也許這次不一樣。也許這個人會看到 Eitan 的好——他的聰明，他的誠實，他那種不討好任何人的純粹。

每次都失敗。

八

一週後，Eitan 問了一個意外的問題。

「How is Yael?」

Nadav 愣了。

「You care?」

「No. But you seem—」他做了一個模糊的手勢。「Different. Since that day.」

「We broke up.」

Eitan 的表情沒有變化。

「Because of me?」

「Not entirely. But partly.」

沉默。

「I'm sorry.」

這讓 Nadav 更驚訝了。Eitan 很少道歉。不是因為傲慢，而是因為他通常不覺得自己做錯了什麼。

「Do you know what you did wrong?」

「No.」Eitan 承認。「But I know it caused you pain. That's sufficient reason to be sorry.」

Nadav 看著他。這個怪人。這個不會笑、不會社交、把每個進入他領域的人都嚇跑的怪人。

「Have you ever tried?」他問。「I mean, really tried to be like normal people?」

Eitan 沒有立刻回答。

九

「Once,」他終於說。「In high school. One year I decided to fit in.」

「What happened?」

「I did research. Observed how other students interacted. Recorded what words they used, what tone, when they laughed. Then I imitated.」

「And?」

「It worked at first. People started talking to me. Someone invited me to a party. A girl seemed interested.」

Nadav 試著想像十五歲的 Eitan 在派對上。這個畫面太荒謬了。

「Then what?」

「Then I got tired.」Eitan 的聲音變得很平。「Maintaining the performance was exhausting. I had to constantly calculate: what would a normal person say here? How would a normal person react? It was like speaking a foreign language all day, every day.」

「So you stopped.」

「I stopped. And everyone who had started talking to me—stopped. Within two weeks, I was invisible again.」

他說這些的時候沒有自憐。只是陳述事實，像在描述一個發生在別人身上的事。

「But the interesting part,」他繼續，「was that no one asked why. They just accepted it. Oh, Eitan is being weird again. That's it. No one thought maybe I was tired, maybe I needed a break, maybe the 'normal' version was the fake one.」

十

Nadav 不知道該說什麼。

「So you decided to stop trying.」

「I decided it wasn't worth it.」Eitan 看著他。「Every relationship required me to pretend to be someone else. That's not a relationship. That's a performance. I don't want to perform.」

「But you talk to me.」

「You don't need me to perform.」

「How do you know?」

「Because you keep coming back.」Eitan 的語氣沒有變，但某種東西在他眼睛裡移動了。「I scared away your girlfriend, and you're still here. The one before that, I scared her away too, and you were still here.」

「Maybe I'm just stupid.」

「Maybe.」Eitan 同意。「But I choose to believe another explanation.」

「What explanation?」

「You see something worth coming back for. I don't know what it is. But you see it.」

Nadav 想了想。

「Maybe it's this.」他說。「This—honesty. Everything you say is true. You won't lie to make me feel better. You won't pretend to like my girlfriend. You won't—」

他停下來，笑了。

「You won't laugh at my jokes unless you actually find them funny. When was the last time you laughed?」

「Three weeks ago. You said your psychology professor looks like a confused camel.」

「You remember that?」

「It was an accurate description. Professor Golan does have that expression.」

十一

後來，Nadav 和 Yael 徹底分手了。

不是因為 Eitan。是因為其他原因——她想去 Tel Aviv 的律師事務所實習，他還有一年才畢業，長距離戀愛沒有人想要。

分手那天，Nadav 去了圖書館地下室。

Eitan 在老位置。書、筆記、涼水。一切都一樣。

「Yael?」

「We broke up. For real this time.」

Eitan 點點頭。沒有說「I'm sorry」，因為他上次已經說過了。沒有說「Are you okay」，因為他知道 Nadav 不想回答那個問題。

他只是把旁邊的椅子往外推了一點。

Nadav 坐下。

他們就這樣坐著，兩個小時，什麼都沒說。

Eitan 在看書。Nadav 在看天花板。偶爾 Eitan 會把一頁特別有趣的段落轉過來讓 Nadav 看。Nadav 會點頭，雖然他根本沒在讀。

很奇怪。

很舒服。

「Thanks,」Nadav 終於說。

「For what?」

「For not trying to make me feel better.」

Eitan 想了想。

「Would you like me to try?」

「God, no.」

「Good. Because I don't know how.」

Nadav 笑了。這次是真的笑。

「I know. That's the point.」

（完）